Now that everyone is coming out with a gay reading list--the Publishing Triangle, a group of lgbtiq people in literary pursuits of various sorts has come out with their own 100 Best Gay & Lesbian Novels, which did not contain a single book by Perry Brass, nor one by Chaucer for that matter--Barnes and Noble has its gay list, Sears, Walmart, anyway, you know the drill. So, President George W. Bush has decided that, in the interest of this great big ol' tent that the Republican Party wants to be, he, too, must bring us his list of

And now here they are, with the President's frank comments next to each title.

1) A PLACE AT THE TABLE, by Bruce Bawer. Mr. Bush's comments: "This book shows that if you really know your place, you'll get one with me. I know a good ol' boy when I see him, and the fact that he belongs to a minority that God does not approve of will in no way offend the way that he'll be treated at my table or on my book shelf. Bruce can come to my table anytime he wants, eat in the kitchen, keep the pan drippings from slopping over his tie--heck, he can do what he wants. I haven't read this, but I've been told Mr. Bawer is a Christian, a Conservative, a writer, and a Republican, too."

2) ATLAS SHRUGGED, by Ayn Rand. Mr. Bush's comments: "If you think I'm gonna read this big ol' thing, then I got a vacation time share in Iraq to sell you. But I liked the movie. It was about a big guy who only got bigger, no matter who he stepped on. I also know that this is one of Donald Trump's fav's as well, and what's good for a New York intellectual is always good enough for me."

3) THE HOLY BIBLE. Old Testament. Book of Leviticus, Chapter 18, Verse Number 22. Mr. Bush's comments: "Nuff said. Every gay boy should read this. I'm also partial to verse 7, because it says no man should get naked with his own father. Please, I ask with all sincerity, my fellow Americans, what kind of guy would do that? "

4) DOING TIME: THE 'WEST TEX' BOOK OF PRISON PROCEDURE, by by L. Snotwright, Dir. West Texas Prison System. Mr. Bush's comments: "Larry's an old friend of mine back from my governor days, and I've been told that some gay individuals play, uh, prisoner games and even take interesting pictures of themselves doing it. Not that I know a lot about this, but I thought this might appeal to that kind of population. Recently I gave this book to Don Rumsfeld to read."

5) THE COMPLETE GUIDE TO FISHING, HUNTING, SHOOTING, TRAPPING, AND KILLING SMALL ANIMALS, by (various experts.) Mr. Bush's comments: "This is a must-have for any person, gay or not. If I was a gay guy and I wanted to get on in this world with persons like myself, Judge Tony Scalia, Vice President Dick Chaney or his daughter, even the Vice President's nice wife, who goes in for a bit of writing I've been told, I'd read this seriously. THE COMPLETE GUIDE is indispensable. It does for manhood what Martin Luther King, Jr., did for black people, or something nice like that."

6) THE LOGOS CHAIN BOOKSTORE GUIDE TO THE WORLD'S FAVORITE CHRISTIAN POEMS. Mr. Bush's comments: "My wife's such a poetry fan, and she's been wanting to organize poetry readings at the White House. But she's been having a little difficulty with this project, since so many poets nowadays are atheistic, left wing, nut case, bleeding heart peaceniks. I'd do anything for Laura, the love of my life, so I'll even read this book though to tell you the truth at Yale we always believed that poetry was for candy-assers."

7) THE PROTOCOLS OF THE ELDERS OF ZION. Mr. Bush's comments: "I heard this is a much maligned book, which means, my fellow Americans, that people don't speak good of it. But to many of its fans, some of who are Republicans, by the way, it's to be compared with Uncle Tom's Cabin, or Mein Camp, the famous German book that started World War One. I know some gay boys would not approve of it, but, heck, you want to improve yourself, right?"

8) FOR THE LIFE OF YOUR DOG, by Greg Luganis. Mr. Bush's comments: "Finally, a gay book by a real gay author I can read with pride. Dogs are something we all have in common. Even Clinton and I have nothing bad to say about dogs. And Mr. Louganis is something we can all be proud of, except for those times when he appeared in skimpy Speedo bathing suits, something that no genuine Republican man would lower himself to do. I'd say, 'Get yourself a dog, then get yourself Mr. Louganis's book.' And to Mr. Louganis I'd say, 'Get yourself a decent bathing suit!'"

9) THE SOUTH BEACH DIET. Mr. Bush's comments: "I have been told that South Beach is a popular location with the light-in-the-loafers set, so I heartily recommend this diet book for all of you. We know that the gay boys are famous for their waistlines and their good taste, although no real Republican man would stoop to admitting that that kind of taste is truly American. It's like French cheese. They offer it to you in France, but you never can tell by its smell what part of the cow it came from. So, I'd recommend THE SOUTH BEACH DIET, but I think the gay boys should keep it to themselves."

10) THE STARR REPORT, (basically) by Mr. Ken Starr, Esq. Mr. Bush's comments: "It cost us about $50 million to produce and there are about 7,000 pages to this--so it ain't a cheap book! I think it weighs in at about 65 pounds, which should help any gay individual stay in shape, just lifting it. The Starr Report does not prove, conclusively, that Bill Clinton was a man without a shred of moral scruple, but it comes real close to insinuating this. It was an important part of my 2000 campaign, and I think that any gay individual with a shred of dignity and self-worth needs to peruse it. Myself, I'll just confine myself to lifting and lowering it several times a day. I've also given it to my dog to keep him away from the Luganis book, which is a far better read, although in the impartial opinion of Justice Scalia and myself, not as good as the Holy Bible."

So, there you have it. The President George W. Bush Gay Reading List, 10 books that will bring a lot of Republican light and kindness to our community. We've been thinking about asking President Bush to bring these books to our community centers, take part personally in reading them, and discuss them in depth with us. And, at some point, he's promised he would.

But -- the problem is heíll probably be out there selling popcycles in Hell first.

If you can think of your own fav gay book list, let me know.

However, we ask you, for the sake of us poor, starving gay writers everywhere, put one or two of my books in it too.

Write me at: belhuepress@earthlink.net.

Thanks, Perry.
 

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